SPACE
RATES!
OUR RATES ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD!
Why settle for reasonable rates when you can pay astronomical fees? Ascend beyond earthly financing into the transcendant mortgage experience!
*This is a parody. Space Rates is not a real mortgage lender. Please don't actually try to get a mortgage from us.
TODAY'S ASTRONOMICAL RATES!
LUNAR LOAN
30-Year Fixed
- • 5% Origination Fee
- • $10,000 Processing
- • Mystery Charges!
MARS MORTGAGE
15-Year Fixed
- • 8% Origination Fee
- • $25,000 Processing
- • CEO's Yacht Fund!
GALAXY GRAND
5-Year ARM
- • 12% Origination Fee
- • $50,000 Processing
- • Stadium Naming Rights!
MEET OUR VISIONARY CEO
John Jacob: Disrupting Mortgages, One Fee at a Time
Why should banks have all the fun? At Space Rates, we believe in giving our customers the transcendant journey of paying more. It's not just a mortgage—it's spiritual awakening through financial sacrifice!
Under John's cavalier leadership, Space Rates has revolutionized the industry by asking the important question: "What if mortgages... but expensive?"
"Our customers don't just buy homes—they buy into the Space Rates experience. And that experience costs extra. A lot extra."
SPACE RATES STADIUM
Home of the National Hot Dog Eating League (NHDEL)
Thanks to our astronomically high mortgage fees, we've built the world's most expensive hot dog eating venue! Our 50,000-seat stadium features:
🌭 The Condiment Cannon
Shoots mustard and ketchup at 100mph!
🏟️ Zero-Gravity Eating Zone
Because eating is harder in space!
💰 The Fee Museum
Learn about all our creative charges!
🚀 Rocket-Powered Seating
Eject disappointing eaters into orbit!
Stadium construction funded entirely by unnecessary mortgage fees!
WHY CHOOSE SPACE RATES?
Premium Fees
We charge fees for everything! Application fees, thinking fees, fees for calculating your fees. It's fee-tastic!
Award-Losing Service
Voted "Worst Value in Mortgages" 5 years running! We're consistently inconsistent!
Entertainment Value
Your mortgage payment funds hot dog eating contests and our CEO's space yacht!
READY TO PAY MORE?
Join thousands* of customers who've achieved transcendance through strategic overpaying! Apply today and receive a FREE** Space Rates foam finger!
*Actual number: 3 customers (all related to John Jacob)
**Shipping and handling: $499.99